Befriending Your Unconscious: Embracing a More Coherent Life Beyond Behavioural Fixes

In the previous article, we made the acquittance of our unconscious mind, the hidden forces that quietly shape so much of who we are. Simply shining a light on them can spark powerful shifts. But that’s just the beginning of the journey.

Now, let’s go deeper. The unconscious isn’t just something to explore when life feels stuck or challenging. Even in times when everything seems to be going well, what lies beneath still matters. This isn’t about quick behavioural fixes—it’s about crafting a life that’s coherent, connected, and true to who you are, inside and out. Whether you’re leading a team, a company, or simply your own life, befriending your unconscious is the key to unlocking a deeper, more authentic version of yourself.

Beyond the Obvious: Why Your Unconscious Always Matters

It’s easy to think the unconscious mind only becomes relevant when we face a clear issue. But the truth is, whether you’re dealing with a specific problem or not, your unconscious is always at work.

You may be thriving professionally but still feel an underlying sense of dissatisfaction. Or, as a leader, you might be managing teams and projects successfully but struggle with unresolved inner conflicts or fears. These underlying emotions shape your decisions and interactions, often without your awareness. The more you understand what’s going on at an unconscious level, the more aligned your external success can be with your inner self, allowing for a deeper sense of fulfilment.

Pandora’s Box? More Like a Treasure Chest

For many, the idea of exploring the unconscious can feel intimidating, even scary. There’s this societal stigma that going deeper somehow means there’s something wrong with you—as if only people who are broken or damaged need to explore what’s below the surface. Some also fear that delving into our unconscious will open a “Pandora’s box” and unleash chaos or overwhelming emotions. We’re often taught to avoid what’s uncomfortable, to keep things neat and controlled. Leaders often resist the idea because self-reflection is seen as a sign of weakness. However, avoiding this exploration can lead one to repeat unproductive patterns of behaviour, or even emotional disconnection from their work or life.

Heidi, an attractive woman in her 40s, who stayed with a verbally abusive and unappreciative partner for years. No amount of surface-level advice on how to stand up for herself or set boundaries worked until she explored that unconscious belief driving her behaviour. Deep down, she feared that she wouldn’t find another partner if she left. In essence, she felt she wasn’t good enough. Once she uncovered the root of her fear, she could finally break free of the toxic relationship and see her worth beyond it.

Befriending your unconscious doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you’re diving headfirst into a flood of unresolved trauma. In fact, it is a growth process where you can free up energy and reconnect with your passion, dreams, wisdom. It’s a gradual process, and it’s manageable. With the right approach, you can begin to safely explore the unconscious beliefs and emotions that influence your actions, without fear of losing control. Rather than thinking of it as a dark basement, imagine it as a place where hidden treasures and insights about yourself are stored, waiting to be discovered.

The Limitations of Traditional Behavioural Fixes

The majority of traditional coaching and training solutions focuses on addressing behaviours. You want to be more productive? Set specific goals. You struggle with time management? Learn better scheduling techniques. While these methods work on the surface, they rarely lead to lasting change when the root of the issue lies deeper.

Most of our “behavioural problems” aren’t really just behavioural. They are symptoms of unconscious scripts and narratives that we’ve carried with us, often for years. A leader who avoids confrontation might do so not because they don’t know how to manage conflict, but because of an unconscious fear of rejection or failure. Someone struggling to prioritize tasks might not simply need a better planner—they might be battling unconscious beliefs about their worth or abilities.

Traditional coaching focuses on changing the behaviour without addressing the belief systems underneath. Leaders may try to improve their productivity or conflict management without ever confronting the unconscious drivers. This is why so many people find themselves repeating the same patterns, despite countless efforts to change. Until you address what’s driving the behaviour, change will remain temporary at best.

Befriending Your Unconscious: A Path Forward

Exploring your unconscious doesn’t have to be overwhelming. It’s about understanding yourself more deeply, not “fixing” anything. And it doesn’t have to be a daunting journey. With a systematic and scientific approach, you can begin to explore your unconscious in a healthy and manageable way. Other than the simple steps we mentioned previously, such as slowing down and approaching your patterns with curiosity instead of judgement, you may also consider working with a professional who is trained to guide you through this process. Transformational coaching or certain forms of therapy can help you safely uncover what’s beneath the surface, allowing you to better align your inner world with your external actions. Leaders who explore their unconscious become more authentic, more consistent in their decisions, and more effective in their relationships.

The journey to befriending your unconscious is a powerful one, and with the right support, you can navigate it in a way that feels manageable and productive. It’s a journey worth taking—not one to fear.